19. Is the grass always greener?

Exploring the science behind envy and what it can teach us

Eoin Bastable

Jun 23, 2023

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Have you ever heard of the goldfish who dreamt of escaping its fishbowl only to flop down into a toilet bowl where he saw his friend swimming?

It didn’t end well.

The phrase, “the grass is always greener” dates back to the Greek poet Ovid, who lived in the first century B.C. The original saying was, “The harvest is always richer in another man’s field.”

Beyond the origins of this phrase, I’m curious what science can tell us about our insatiable desire to keep up with the “joneses” in our social circles, organizations, or more recently, online communities.

I can recall when I was eight years old, playing soccer and feeling a strong urge to upgrade my soccer cleats to keep up with my teammates. Ever since I’ve remained wary of the “Grass is Greener” saying as I’ve seen it influence small and not-so-small decisions in my life.

Even though we all experience these moments, I believe many of us are taught to keep these “dark” but common impulses to ourselves.

Cuz coveting ain’t cool.

But, this may be costly for us.

One way social scientists have described this phenomenon is captured in a simple, four-letter word — ENVY.

Source: https://www.getlevelhead.com/blog/levelhead/envy

Helmut Schoeck, an influential Austrian sociologist, wrote a whole book on the topic. Envy: A Theory of Social Behavior (1966).

Envy: two key messages

A. Envy is universal, we all experience it as humans.

B. Envy is more harmful than we would like to admit.

Or, in Helmut’s own words:

Few concepts [as Envy] are so intrinsically part of social reality yet at the same time so markedly neglected by the categories of behavioral science.

But, since the 1960s, there is more research to help us not only mitigate the downside but also optimize the benefits associated with this complex emotion.

That’s right…there are benefits.

OG social influencers such as Nietzsche and Ayn Rand both made compelling arguments that envy fueled many aspects of social movements bending us toward equality and reducing disparities in wealth or opportunities. Yet others have described envy as more benign, akin to admiration, inspiring growth and self-improvement.

Envy 101: The basics

What is envy? Envy is an unpleasant emotion that may lead to feelings of inferiority, as well as potential hostility and resentment toward others. Envy typically stems from comparing yourself to others and is not surprisingly correlated with higher rates of depression, anxiety, aggression, and paranoia.

Why envy? Social comparison is the source material of envy, it can’t exist in a vacuum. How do we measure up on X, Y, or Z with our neighbor, colleague, or family members? We appraise our own worth in comparison to others’ abilities, levels of success, advantages, or style of soccer cleats.

It’s all relative.

Who do we envy? Yes, it’s a universal emotion (although it can vary across cultures - lots to unpack for another time), but scientists have discovered envy generally surfaces with people who are most like us. We tend to compare ourselves to people who match us by age, gender, or social class (pick your category).

Scientists have also found envy is more likely to arise when we see others achieving goals that really matter to us (getting a promotion, securing a job, sharing a picture on Facebook of a recent paragliding trip in Hawaii). (Note: I will contradict this idea in a few paragraphs when I talk about research on role models).

How can we mitigate the downsides of envy?

One area that social scientists have attempted to understand is how we perceive the abilities of others in relation to ourselves.

Here is a simple case example of how scientists have investigated this tricky emotion.

First-year college students were recruited for a study in which they were exposed to information about a hypothetical student who was doing really well in a self-relevant domain (i.e., a nerdy term for a related task or subject area).
Next, a sample of first-year students was asked to submit open-ended responses to report on their feelings of self-worth and perceived ability related to viewing academic test scores from peers (in the same class) versus older students.

What did the findings show?

Overall, exposure to the 4th-year students’ results was more inspiring while viewing the first students’ results was more deflating. The findings supported the theory that envy grows stronger when we find parallels or similarities between ourselves and others who are doing stuff we want to be doing or achieving.

But…an important caveat, students who rated themselves as having more optimistic beliefs about themselves and their abilities were found to be more self-assured than those with fixed beliefs (even when viewing impressive results from people just like themselves)

Here are a few IDEAS from recent scientific research (see references cited at the end).

Key takeaways

#1: We are more susceptible to envy others and can diminish our own potential when we believe wholeheartedly that “it should have been me” rather than “it will be me”. This can happen when we get passed up for a job, or for me, when I envied Michael J. Fox zooming by on a hoverboard (not my dream today, but it was in 1989).

If I’m honest with myself, I grow envious of others when I perceive them as somehow undeserving of an accomplishment or success which then feeds resentment. These unpleasant feelings can get jacked up a notch when I make excruciating and unfounded comparisons between myself and the person who just won front-row tickets to Hamilton or just landed a job that requires frequent visits to Hawaii.

Here’s an example:

…Liam has the same years of experience as me, held similar roles, also went to Bard College of the Immaculate Goat, and appears to be of Irish descent by the red whisps of hair shown in his LinkedIn profile & an Irish name…

I can be pretty exacting with my social comparisons!

Unfortunately, I spent no time or energy imagining the work and effort it took for Liam to get a promotion or cool opportunity.

#2: Researchers have also studied another form of envy called “benign envy” (e.g., admiration) which can increase our feelings of self-worth and personal agency. Benign envy is what we experience when we focus more attention on improving ourselves.

Unlike malicious envy, benign envy is about leveling oneself up. Interestingly, with benign envy, we still compare ourselves to others, but with the primary motive of understanding how they succeeded or obtained something we are also pursuing in our own lives.

Now, let’s see how this all plays out in a well-known fairytale.

Although the Brothers Grimm were not scientists, they provided instructive examples of benign and malicious envy in the story of Cinderella.

We all know the story, but let’s cast it in a different light.

The stepsisters are cruel to Cinderella out of envy, while Cinderella remains modest and humble, doing nothing to provoke their hostility and resentment.

In reflecting on this tale, marketing guru, Russell Belk commented, “If the stepsisters were at the ball today, they would most likely ask Cinderella where she got the slippers and how much they cost.”

In today’s world, to court the prince’s affections, rather than try to squeeze their feet into the glass slipper, it’s possible the stepsisters may have taken steps to modify their physical appearance with a face-lift or laser treatment.

Or, arrived at the Ball in a Tesla or Versace gown.

How could we coach the stepsisters (or ourselves) to embrace a more “benign” form of envy which has been empirically shown to help people perform better and tap into more of their unique potential?

Based on the tale, the stepsisters viewed Cinderella as undeserving and below them. Instead of focusing on themselves or what was in their immediate control, they only saw Cinderella’s deficits and viewed the whole situation as unjust (putting it mildly).

#3: An antidote to malicious envy is to maintain a focus on developing your own skills, talents, and strengths which not only reduces the sting of making social comparisons but also alleviates the threat or fears that can accompany them.

Although we don’t know much about the lives of the step-sisters outside of this tale, we can foster benign envy by intentionally cultivating more inspiring stories about others’ efforts and successes (e.g., it was well-deserved, it required years of hard work) which may lead to trusting more in our own abilities to making small or larger changes in our lives.

In short, one remedy for quelling malicious envy is to cultivate gratitude for others’ accomplishments.

#4: We can also nurture benign envy by introducing ourselves or people we know to inspiring and relatable role models. The brighter side of social comparison.

So, for the stepsisters, we introduce them to women of the same age, class, and gender who could model behaviors, choices, or approaches that do not fuel malicious envy by focusing only on Cinderella’s faults or demise.

The story of Cinderella shows us two sides of envy.

One side motivates us to improve our own situation or position (Cinderella) and one side diminishes our motivation by attempting to demean a “perceived” superior (the stepsisters).

Wrapping up…

If you want to perform better yourself or help others to improve their situation, it’s worth reflecting on why and how envy arises in our daily lives and with whom.

It’s also helpful to separate malicious and benign forms of envy by nurturing one in an effort to reduce the other.

Envy should not be something to avoid or hide. It can help us emulate and be inspired by the achievements of others and achieve positive changes leading to increased personal fulfillment.

Is the grass always greener?

Here are a few final thoughts and tools to help you reflect on this question.

If you like scientific scales and self-assessment, here’s a way to evaluate how you may be seeing the “grass” as you size up a new opportunity or assess your current situation (note: this table may require a bigger screen to read)

The Beign and Malicious Envy Scale (Lange & Crusius, 2015).

If you like pithy quotes. Here are a few to chew on:

“Envy is the art of counting another person’s blessings instead of your own.”
“Friend or not, envy is an overwhelming emotion.”
“Love looks through a telescope; envy, through a microscope.”

If you like quirky cartoons, here’s one I found amoooooos-ing:

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